Toddler tantrums are probably one of the most stressful things to deal with in motherhood in the toddler years. Most of the time there is no rhyme or reason to their outbursts and it takes all you’ve got to bring them back to earth. I hope that this post will provide some useful advice that you can use to tackle your next toddler tantrum!
The Different Types of Tantrums
My baby boy turned two this past Monday. I can’t believe it. I think back to the early weeks when our family was adjusting to a new baby and a toddler and I’m so proud of us for making it out alive. Those times were HARD and trying and mentally and physically tested me in every way possible. I spent a lot of those early weeks crying and wondering how I was going to get through it. But, now that he’s older and more independent we’re finally at the stage where he and his sister can actually play and entertain each other. I’ve survived.
However, turning two also means…dun dun dun…terrible twos and toddler tantrums. I like to joke (but I’m actually serious) that toddler tantrums should be a form of punishment for prisoners. Can you imagine being locked in a jail cell with a child who is crying over only God knows what and there’s NOTHING you can do to help them or get them to stop? That would be enough to make anyone confess to crime. Where did you hide the body? I didn’t do anything. Oh okay. This is the game you want to play? >>cues toddler tantrum<< Okay, okay, fine! I’ll tell you!
I have experienced all of the types of tantrums along the tantrum spectrum. There’s the extreme exorcism-like tantrums where their bodies twist in unnatural ways while crying and also make you wonder if they are possessed. Then there is the tantrum over giving them the wrong cup (or wrong anything for that matter), or the tantrum for zipping up their jacket when they wanted to do it after they asked you to do it. What? The most popular of course is the one when they didn’t get what they wanted. Luckily, I’ve never had to evacuate from a store carrying either one of my kids like a surfboard because they were having a fit. So, for that I’m grateful.
How Best to Deal with Tantrums
Now that my son has turned two the terrible twos and toddler tantrums are starting to rear their ugly heads again. There was a brief period where my daughter had somewhat grown out of that stage and my son wasn’t old enough to throw down. However, he’s started crying when he doesn’t get what he wants, or crying to get what he wants. I’m anticipating the exorcism tantrums to make their debut in the next few months so I’ll be sure to get my holy water ready. I have some other tricks up my sleeve, though, that I’ve learned from reading books like No Bad Kids and Happiest Toddler on the Block that I want to share with you.
The first thing that we have to understand and tell ourselves when it comes to our little humans is that they are little human beings and they deserve respect just like any adult. Often times our immediate reaction with children that are “misbehaving” (although it’s less about misbehaving and more about developmental stages) is to yell and scream at them. It is in those moments, though, that they’re crying for help in some way and these are the moments they need a calm parent to guide them through their feelings and emotions. Their brains literally cannot rationalize at this age and they don’t know how to control themselves.
I remember reading something out of Happiest Toddler on the Block that I’ll never forget when it comes to how we react to toddler tantrums. Just imagine you have a bad day at work and you come home to your spouse and you want to vent about your day. You’re going on and on and on about this bad work day, maybe even crying (depending on how bad it was!), and when you’re done your spouse turns to you and says, “Will you just shut up! Stop whining!” Or even worse, “Are you done yet?” Can you imagine how that would feel if a friend or family member said that to us in our most vulnerable times when all we were trying to do was vent?
Reacting this way is often what we do to our children when they come home from school cranky wanting to vent (in the form of a tantrum/ crying) and we often dismiss them. We have to remember that they deserve respect, too, just like we would give to any adult. Keep this in mind the next time you are trying to handle this type of behavior. It has helped me a lot in those moments to think about the response I would want from someone I was venting/ crying to.
Show Some Respect
I mentioned previously that we need to show our children the same respect we would give an adult. The way that I do this when handling a tantrum is by getting down on their level so that we are eye to eye. You don’t want to be towering over them with your finger in their face. Again, imagine if this is the way that someone was talking to you. Getting on their level is a good way to get their attention and show them respect.
Acknowledge Their Feelings
The last thing I’ll mention when it comes to handling tantrums is to make sure you are acknowledging their feelings. Often times children will throw tantrums when they don’t get what they want. For example, wanting to go outside to play when it’s time to eat dinner. So, what will they do? Likely stand at the front door and cry because they want to go outside. What do we need to do as parents? Get down to their (eye) level and acknowledge their feelings by saying something like, “You want to go outside? Outside? I know you want to go outside, but it’s time to eat now. We can play outside after dinner. Okay?” Obviously you want to talk to them in age appropriate language, and your sentences may need to be more brief than that depending on their age and what they can understand.
By acknowledging their feelings you’re letting them know that they are heard. If we dismiss what they are trying to tell us by distracting them or just yanking them away from the door it’s likely going to result in more crying. Imagine this, you’re trying to communicate a want or a need to your spouse, you’re expressing your feelings, and their reply is, “Hunny! Look! Look at the birds flying by! Cool, huh?” How pissed off are you going to be? This is what happens to our children when we try to distract them when they’re trying to communicate something to us. If you feel like you’re not being heard then what are you going to do? Talk or scream louder!
Now, these tips don’t always work. There are some times where your kids just need a minute to let it out and we should just walk away and let them have their moment. If you can keep these things in mind, like showing them respect, getting on their level, and acknowledging their feelings, I think it will make a big difference for you and for them. To read more about raising your children with respect and dealing with this stage of parenthood I highly suggest No Bad Kids and Happiest Toddler on the Block. They do not disappoint!
I hope these few pointers help!
If you want to read other posts, check out my blog post: Mom Guilt.
Thanks for reading!
MeRedith says
Defini tely in the midst of peak toddler tantrums right now. Thank you!
Victoria says
These are excellent Tips and reminders. Its So easy to let our emotions show and react. Love your tips!
Amanda says
I have learned so much from janet lansbury, what a great resource! Reading your blog reminded me of this post I wrote when my first baby was still a baby 🙂 looking back I’ve learned so much since then. these kids challenge us so much!
http://thekriegers.org/2013/09/wait-until-your-father-gets-home/
Sonja - Too Much Character says
Thanks for sharing these tips! I could have used that strategy just last night when my son had a huge meltdown after not eating much at a friend’s birthday party. His hanger won, and my patience was short. I will be more mindful of these suggestions in the future.
Kayla says
Hi Kristi,
Amazing Post! I found myself laughing when you said: “toddler tantrums should be a form of punishment for prisoners.” Lol. That will surely fix the problem.
xoxo,
Kayla | Mommy Blogger | My Motherhood Made Easy
Talya says
The haPpiest toddler on the block and talking toddler-ese go me through those tantrum Years!
Lydia says
Toddler tantrums are tough. Thanks for the tips.
Trish ~ Habibi House says
We had one son who threw the craziest fit. we ended up having to treat it like a rabid dog. No eye contact or acknowledgment. Otherwise, it went to a whole different level.
Kbahgat says
No eye contact – haha!
Kris says
I need These! I have two toddlers at Home, the elDest is quite better but my YoungEst js the one who throws tantrums a lot!
mylittleduniya says
HAndling kid’s tantrums is a big deal for me. Thank God I have moved out of the toddler phase now but still things are not that easy