I debated whether or not I should write a post like this. I started and stopped numerous times. I was afraid of being judged and what people would think of me as a mom.
I tried to make the title and content “searchable” on platforms like Google and Pinterest so that others would be able to find this post. But, I knew it wasn’t your typical “how to” post that you’d usually search for on Pinterest. Instead, it’s a post that’s coming from the heart.
I stopped trying to get this post to conform to the “normal” standards of a blog post and reminded myself why I started this blog to begin with. My whole purpose was to connect with other mamas by keeping motherhood real. So, that’s what I intend on doing.
So, I’m writing this for the mama who has been too afraid to admit this to anyone else before. The mama who cries often and suffers in silence and guilt. Please know, you are not alone.
Since Becoming a Mother, I Haven’t Been the Same
I’ve changed both physically (sigh) and mentally. My heart (and my pant size) has grown 2x larger, but my patience is thinner and my mood is changes with the weather. Most days I feel like I’m on an emotional roller coaster, and I don’t know how to get off.
I wake up each day with hope for a feel good kind of day. I remind myself each new day is a chance to start fresh and erase the guilt I may have had from doing or saying something to my kids the day before. Then, in the snap of a finger, my mood changes. Sometimes, I can’t even recognize the trigger.
For the rest of the day, I’ll go through waves of feeling content, happy, grumpy, irritable, sometimes rage, and then back down to earth again.
There are days where my heart explodes with love for my children as I watch them dance and sing together in the living room, and then others where I’m wishing for bed time just shortly after breakfast.
Then, of course, in true mom fashion, the guilt sets in. I remind myself how lucky I am to have healthy children that are capable of singing and dancing in our living room. These moment that I take for granted now are moments I know I will look back on and wish for again.
I really want to enjoy time with my kids, but sometimes I find myself trapped in a mood I can’t bring myself out of. I don’t know how to break this cycle, but I know one day I’m going to wake up and regret the years I didn’t spend more quality time with my kids when they still wanted to be with me.
Social Media Is The Devil
I often wish that I wasn’t raising children at a time where social media is so much a part of our lives. Not only do we spend too much time on our phones, and less time spending quality time with the people we’re with, we find ourselves always comparing our lives to others.
Can you imagine how simple and care free motherhood must have been back in the day? All you actually had to do was spend time with your kids because there wasn’t internet, phones, and social media to distract us. And, no one probably gave a shit where your mom jeans were from because no one knew better ones existed.
I often fall into that trap of comparing my life with those I see on social media. I look at their vacation pictures with envy, and dream about the day our money will go towards vacations and not daycare bills. For now, our blow up pool in the backyard will have to do.
Other Moms Seem to Have it Together
There are so many other moms I see who just seem so damn happy to be moms and have it together. They seem to love the chaos of motherhood and have patience with their kids. But, what gets me the most on social media is when I read the captions that say, “I found my purpose in life when I became a mom.”
Suddenly, I get a gut sinking feeling. Guilt floods my body. Why?
Because I can’t say that I feel the same.
Of course, I love my children to death, but I can’t say that I believe that my sole purpose in life was to be a mom.
What I can say is that I feel like I was made for more. I’ve got a fire burning in my soul that’s ready to do something and be something great. And, I think, when I figure out what that is it’s going to make me a much better mom.
Right now I feel so unsettled. I have a million different ideas I want to pursue at any given moment and I don’t have a clear path laid out for me. I’m hoping that once my soul is at ease because I’ve discovered my passion, I’ll feel alive again.
And, once I feel alive again, I’ll have more energy to pour into my kids and be the mom I want to be.
What I have promised myself (and it’s a promise to my kids, too) is that every day I will work on being a better person. I need to work more on filling my cup so that I can be a better mom. I will never settle, and I will never stop working on improving myself and our family’s life so that we can all be happier.
If you’ve ever felt this way, just know that you are not alone. But before you go, check out my other post, I Didn’t Feel Like Being a Mom Today or I Loved You From The Moment I Ate.
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